Al Lee Wyer: News

Vice President DICK CHANEY took off on another hunting trip today following revelations that it was CHANEY who sent Ambassador JOE WILSON to NIGER back in 03

WILSON was supposed to report back that SADDAM HUSSEIN was seeking Nuclear Materials in AFRICA in order to justify attacking him.

Instead he reported back that SADDAM was seeking another wife or two

CHANEY has been paling arround with Eskimo Rapper " YO BITCH --- COOK THE FISH " and is said to be off in the YUKON hunting Wallrus with the controversial ESKIMO

If the SCOOTER LIBBY TRIAL continues to go like this --- they're gonna need a bigger IGLOO.

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD THE VICE PRESIDENT TRY TO LIVE OFF HIS FAT IF THEY DON'T BAG A WALLRUS SOON
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/zzzzp--OWW--goddamnedEskimojustshotmeintheass

Speaking from the ( BRITHISH PATROLEUM ROTUNDA) of MR LU'S TAKEOUT COMPLEX (at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue) President BUSH announced today that Attorney General ALBERTO GONZALEZ will be adding a new job to his resum'e.--- PRESIDENTIAL LIASON to SPAIN.

" You see, SPAIN, has a Fairly Large LATINO community"
" I mean, personaly, you see, I think it's very Important that We Speak The Same Lanuguage"

" You see, When It comes to the War On Terror----- I want the Spanish---- LATINO --community to know ----"SI HABLA SPANIOL"

" I mean , They Love Freedom". -----I'll Take a couple of Questions ---- Mr Lu -- we can begin now"
----------
LU - " You --- You ask question , ---He answer"

WOLF BLITZER C.N.N News (?) -------- "Mr President, isnt it true that Mr GONZALEZ is on the record as being FOR TORTURE and--- the Detainment of---- AMERICAN CITIZENS---- Without Cause INDEFINITLY.

Pres BUSH:---- " I'm glad you asked that question WOLF-- uh --you see ALBERTO loves Freedom.

But you know that Freedom isn't heh, well, IT ISN'T ----FREE."

I mean ---- uh --- you see, Sometimes the COST OF FREEDOM ---- IS CAPTIVITY.

I mean, let's say THEY HATE FREEDOM you see and We you see Were Free. "

That's all for now, --Mr LU"

M.R LU--- " O.K no more Question , you order or you go home.
We have Noodle on sale, you eat , or you go home"
-------

The Iranian ARMY OF ALLAH Squash Team Pounded THE GEORGTOWN HARBOR COUNTRY CLUB ( 9--3 ) ( 9-4 ) ( 9-2 ) in the first Match of their Diplomatic Series.

The clubbers were never really in this one

Coach DONALD RUMSFELD was thrown out of the match by referee MOHAMMED JONES after becoming Surley and Insulting
( talk about diplomacy )

The second of the Best of Three Match series resumes today at 1:00 TEHERAN time.
(upo)

President BUSH announced today that the state of MASSACHUSETTES has been added to the infamous --AXIS OF EVIL.
" This state is a HUGE PRODUCER OF LIBERALS and a Bastion of un-patriotic non believers. " I mean this is a CHRISTIAN country. " We LOVE FREEDOM, AND UH--YOU SEE ---THEY-- UH --THAT'S WHY THEY HATE US (At this point VP CHANEY whispered in the Prsident's ear----" Mr President,-- Massachusettes is where our American Revolution began") ----- YES , UH BY THEM I MEAN THE ISLAMIC EVIL DOers. THEY HATE OUR CHRISTIAN-- " VALUES"-- YOU SEE---
MR BUSH was subsequently ushered off to the REAGAN debriefing room. No further deatails are available at this time.

An unexpected series of events have apparantly caught the White House off guard and triggered cause for concern

The IRANIAN Government announced today that it had initiated War Games -----only one week after CHINA annonced that it had sucessfuly shot down an orbiting Satelite for the first time

In response to these troubling developments ---a concerned President BUSH has decided to re -initiate his Policy of ----SQUASH DIPLOMACY ----in an effort to decrease the growing tensions

Prs ; " I am sending the ---GEORGETOWN HARBOR COUNTRY CLUB SQUASH TEAM ---- on this Sensative Diplomatic Mission"

TONY SNOW:
( White House Press Scty ) " The Georgetown Squashers will play another best of 5 series with the Iranian ARMY OF ALLAH team next week "

ARMY defeated the clubbers 3 matches to 1 last year.

" They will then vist CHINA the following week and play a three set Match with-- MAOS MARAUDERS ---the 2006 Chinese Squash champs "

President BUSH initiated SQUASH DIPLOMACY last year in an attempt to duplicate President NIXON'S Policy of --- PING PONG DIPLOMACY --- which worked so well in the 1970's
(reut)

Country Music Star FULL HOUSE FOLDEM and Eskimo Rapper YO BITCH, COOK THE FISH! are teaming up for a FUSION Video.
MTV and CMT Honcho's are all abuzz about the " Brave new Experiment".
FOLDEM is recovering after being " Disabled" during a recent shoot. He was inadvertantly kicked in the CULLIONS by a mule.
The New Video will feature the Eskimo carrying a TUNA and riding a Polar Bear into Laramie while FOLDEM-- (On Mule)--- sings his New hit song --
" YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON"
A CMT spokesman was Elated-- "NOW THIS IS ART, --- FUSION -- I LOVE IT BABY--NOW , PUT SOME WHEAT IN THERE SOMEWHERE" ( readers digest)

Country Star FULLHOUSE FOLDEM was realeased from ALPHALPHA Hospital after suffering an injury in the filming of a new Music Video.--- ( I MADE A UTURN AT THE CORNER THAT LEFT ME RIGHT THERE AT YOUR HEART) ---
FOLDEM was doing a scene in which he was riding down BROKEN HEART AVENUE on a MULE with the TITLE SONG Playing in the Backround.
The Plan was for FULLHOUSE to dismount ----playfully pat the Mule on the Butt -- and walk towards a balcony while singing the chorus to the Breathless Leading Lady.
The Country Star dismounted and was leaning over the back of the mule When suddenly the upredictable beast----(Spooked)----- pushed out it's left rear hoof kicking FOLDEM right in the CULLIONS.
All he could manage was a forced smile for the Camera's as he rolled over towards the Balcony ( music playing in the backround ) finally finding his black hat.
RE-- Filming is Scheduled to Resume After the Allito hearings.-(CMT)

In a FOX NEWS POLL conducted last week , a whopping 82% of Viewers agree with Former President BUSH. FREEDOM IS GOOD

In another FOX pole 18% of those surveyed believe that Water comes from Clams.

96% say GOD is a White Guy and a Republican

3% say he's a White Guy and an Independent

1% say he's a Black GAY Democrat

33% say they believe everything they read

and 64% say they don't believe anything they read

87% 'think the Moon Landings were Faked 

65 % Think the DUTCH were behind the bombing of PEARL HARBOR

 

11% changed the channell----- (ap)

Former President BUSH met with President OBAMA on an informal visit to the White House yesterday and waxed a bit Poetic as he looked back on his two terms in office

FmrPrsBsh : " You know ARAK -- when I came into office there was turmoil in the Middle East " " The Economy was Booming  -- and uhhh "

" We put a man on the moon ARAK -- and uhhh -- me and Dick that is and uhhh "

" And RUMMY that is-- uhh "

" Heres something I'll bet you didn't realize "

"' We made thousands of Millionaires and Millions of Billionaires and Thousandairs and Zillions of Hundreaires and --- of uhhhh "

" And I mean back when the Dollar was worth something --- before I got here that is " At this point the ex President was ushered off to the brand new HOOVER DE-BRIEFING ROOM (upi)

 House Speaker JOHN BEIHNOR dragged the Goat Carcass into the Scoring Area at 23:06 of the second haflto give the G.O.P. a  1 carcass to 1/2 hindquarter with tail win over house Democrats yesterday in the first anual congressional BUZKASHI  match

 Bhnr : "This just shows when we play together ( tears sob tears ) well - WE GOT GOAT (sob )

Democrat NANCY PELOSI had grabbed the Carcass by the Tail and pulled half the torso into the scoring area early in the first half giving Democrats the early lead

President OBAMA is in Afghanistan celebrating the national game.  throwing out the first carcass

 Prs : " They wanted CHANEY  but I'm the President and I GOT GOAT damn it . "

Tea party leaders boycotted the match (upi)

 

 

 

Following their Victory in the 2006 midterm elections the Democrats constructed a COMMUNE on the Great Mall in Washington

This Morning with a nod of his head V.P. Chaney gave the order and the commune was Bulldozed into oblivion

It seems a No Bid Contract had been issued to a firm calling itself " BULLDOZERS FOR CHRIST "

President Bush : " This is a FAITH BASED Firm and uhhh "

Senator Kennedy seemed a bit perplexed : " I uhh crashed at my hut last night and this fellow named Amos woke me up and uhhh "

PrsBsh : " Laura -- would you pass the salt please "

Eskimo Rapper
" YO BITCH-- COOK THE FISH " will be hosting his own Chrismas Special on M.T.V. next week.

The Igloo Icon has been keeping a low profile since being busted in the Bahamas for driving under the influence of TUNA

The controversial rapper hooked up with Vice President DICK CHANEY and has been out hunting WALLRUS for a week.

CHNY : " These suckers are a lot slicker than LUMMOX "

" I'm not a big RAP fan but that ESKIMO sure can fire that spear gun ---heh heh "

" Look --over there !!---- ziiiip --- looked like PELOSI -- Damn !! --- I missed. "

The special airs Christmas Eve at 8:00 opposite the YULE LOG (ap )

" Look it's CHUCK SCHUMMER --ziiiiip -- Damn!! "

That MINDLESS BOOTY SHAKIN MONEY MAKIN MACHINE known as MTV. has done it again
After years of " Canaries" and Anger management outlet it has now banned Eskimo Rapper YBCTF from it's music award's show.
It seems his latest single-------- " Pull the F#$% plug on that #$$ drum Machine" has struck a chord too close to home.
" Our Female " ARTISTS' are traumatized.
" Some have never performed without a pre recorded backup lead vocal just in case they forget a word"
" And what about the MUSIC" " Do you honestly expect them to LEARN to play an INSTRUMENT!!" ----- " That would compromise my Musical Integrity" said a horrified Brittany Spears
MTV honcho's were choking on their Cigar Smoke. " Listen , why should we care about talent when we can Manufacture It for allmost nothing? -- I'ts not our fault if the public is stupid enough to buy pinball machine music on a steady basis?. Besides, when's the last time Tom Waits had a top ten hit? huh? You call that talent?
YBCTF is filing a protest.

With Mortgage Foreclosures at Record Highs President BUSH addressed the press this morning from the WALLMART Wing of the White House

Prs" " You see our OWNERSHIP SOCIETY has uhhh well it's Cut and Run you see "

" Our ENTRAPANURS have lived the American Dream and Built too many God Damned houses and NO I'M NOT DRINKING AGAIN !!"

" I have initiated a new Housing Initiative designed to re invigorate our uhhh "

It seems Vice President CHANEY'S private Company BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST has been given a no bid contract to bulldoze the excess inventory and thus increase demand by reducing supply

Prs : " You see it's a matter of Supply and Demand just like Gasoline."
" We have plenty of Gasoline at the moment so prices are through the ceiling you see "

" Isn't that right DICK "

"DICK ! "

The
" SABARET HOT DOG STAND STEERING COMMITEE "
arrived in the ASCERBIC STATE OF KaNeF last night as part of the BUSH Administrations CULTURAL EXCHANGE COMMITMENT

They were greeted at he Airport by a Talking Hot Dog Bun --- THAT DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH ! --- and a
Welcome Note Fom Prime Minister DARTAGNAN ROBESPIERRE

" Welcome Tasteless Pilferors of Western Culture "
" The Talking Mustard Jar is on it's Way --- do you speak Portuguese ? '

SABARET HOT DOG STAND Good Will Ambassadore
BILLY TUMS was not lost for words
" They wouldn't know a good SABARET from a HEBREW NATIONAL !! --- JEEZ ---they don't even BOWL here !! "

President BUSH ---for his part ---- is said to be Frustrated by his Inability to use the CAN OPENER KaNeF sent to the U.S. --- allong with the 100 Cases of Off Year MERLOT ---- as a token of their Good Will

PrsBsh -- " These Wine Cork's Have no Notches you see-- and uh ---- I mean the Can Opener doesn't fit anywhere you see -- and uh ----(ap)

C.N.N.'s Immigration nut Lou Dobbs has agreed to tear down the wall he built arround a TACHO BELL in Arizona last month.

Dbbs : " That place was serving Illegal Drug Dealers who were given Immunity to testify against American Border Patrol Agents who shot them in the back "

" This is an OUTGAGE"

Mexican Drugh Dealer COYOTE SMITH had apparently ordered a Burritto at the store before he was shot by border Guards

The Property , it turns out , is owned by Real estate tycoon
DONALD DUMP

The DUMPSTER cofronted Dobbs at the Great Wall of Phoenix and demanded that he and his malitia tear down the wall so his Illegal DUMP TRUCKS could get through

Dbbs " What in the World --- this is an outrage !! That DUMP is aiding and abetting these illegals "
LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD I HIRE ROSIE O'WEIGHTY TO INSULT THE DUMPSTERS HAIRCUT AGAIN
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/WhatDoesHeCombHisHairWithAnywayABulldozer?

FOX once again has defied common sence and the Moral Values it often purports to promote sinking to new Low s in taste and decency

The network has announced that it's insult to civilization SURVIVOR will pit Race against Race in the upcoming season--it's ratings having slipped 25 %

That's right -- Whites vs Blacks
Asians vs Latino's

White Supremist Lauded the Announcement and ----
" MY BOSS IS AN AUSTRIAN PAINTER " Bumper stickers sold out in a day in MONTANA.

The Sieg Heils could be heard all the way to HELENA.
No doubt LOUIS FAHRAKAN and his ilk are chomping at the bit too

Fox spksmn-- : " This show promotes racial harmony since the whites and the coloreds have to work together after they thin out the herds"

" Hey You !!---Get me a couple of midgets from casting---- TOUT SWEET !! "

" You see---then the winners take on the Chink's since their probably smarter than the Puerto Ricans "
" I mean it's about SURVIVAL you know "

And the rest of the world watches and shakes it's collective head (ap)

The right reverand JEDADIAH HACKSAW  of  BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST  was charged with

Arson yesterday.

 It seems the reverand Burned copies of THE REGIS PHILBIN STORY (life after Kathy Lee )

 on the steps of the new Mosque being built near ground zero

 GENERAL PATREOUS had warned that there would uproar in the middle east where Regis

  is considered Sacred

  Gn Ptrs : " The cows won't eat the Fodder without him - He makes them Moo "

 Rgs : " I didNT EVEN KNOW !! "   " Where the hell is KELLY ?  "   "  I make thEM MOOO ! " 

 (UPI)

BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST  former V.P. DICK CHANEYS  Faith Based No Bid Cpntractors have promised

to Bulldoze any Mosque or other Muslim structue errected near Ground  Zero

Haksaw : " This is Chistian Land in a Christian Country God Damn it "

 " Our Grandparents and such came here for Religious Freedom and we'll be damned if we let

 some damned Foreigners and their Pagan ways take away our Country's Values "

 

  " WE WAN'T OUR COUNTRY BACK   sob sob "

PRESIDENT OBAMA had no comment he was reportedly with aides searching for the exact location

 of MECCA relative to the White House .   (upi)

Democrats in the House of Representatives have passed Lobyist Reform --- a new Minimum Wage Law --- and have now taken away the Tax Breaks to the Oil company's that had allowed them to double their profits as prices doubled.

Republicans pointed out today that the New Oil Policy will cause Americans to
Buy " Smaller " cars thus making the U.S. LESS SAFE

Yep Be afraid -- Be very afraid

The Right Reverend Phillip (Head) Hacksaw and his no bid contractors BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST are headed for the Arizona Border

Former Vice President CHANEY'S Faith Based Company are on their way to
" Bulldoze the Border Hallaluah praise Jesus "

Lou Dobbs and his Malitia plan to hook up with HACKSAW at

IRAN announced today that it had fullfiled it's obligation under the IRAN/ NORTH KOREA / SO YOU THINK WE WERE EVIL BEFORE EHH / PACT.

" This afternoon at--- 2:00 ---TEHERAN time We successfully Launched the North Korean Ambassador into the sea of JAPAN. "

" He landed ( with Portfolio ) 5.6 miles west of the sight where our first Satellite Booster Rocket landed '

Iranian President MAHMUD AHMAJINEDAD : "This is a great moment in AXIS history ----It rivals even the Washing of My Car and the Chasing of the Mice "

" See the Great Satan Quake Like so many Impotent Implants on the inflated breasts of the kept Whore of the Infidel " Ahmajinedad and Kim Jong Il then exchanged Launching Gifts. IL receiving Lavish CHINA (upi )

Head Coach DONALD RUMSFELD and his Georgetown Harbor Country Club Squash Team are on their way to MUMBAI . Rmsfld : " These are nothing but a few Malcontents and Dead Enders -- we'll make short work of em "

Rumsfeld and his squad Lost a 3 game set to the Iranian "ARMY OF ALLAH " team before taking 2 of 3 from the Chinese. "ARMY was tough on us but We bounced back against the Chinese." "Wanted to play em again an hour later though heee hee hee"

Captain BRADLY ROTHSCHILDE IV appeared relaxed and confident Rchld : " It's time to kick some Customer Service Cab Driving Ass --- loll Gafauwww " " Oh WINSTON !! Bring me another sparkling water -- this place is a hell hole " Indian Coach SAHIB TANDORA was working the night shift at Capital One and was unavailable for comment

Former JAPANESE Prime Minister KOIZUMI ( a huge ELVIS fan ) decided to take the King to Korea

KOIZUMI made a direct phone call to North Korean Beloved Leader  KIM JONG IL and Accompanied by Five ELVIS IMPERSONATORS Koizumi sang his rendition of " DON'T BE CRUEL " for the pint sized North Korean Marionette

IL was said to be moved---clapping his hands in time and dancing to the Rhythm as KOIZUMI sang the middle eight " I don't want to be a Tiger---Cause Tiger's play to Rough " IL then ended the cordial phone call with the KOREAN equivalent of " Thank You----- Thank You Very Much " (UPI )

• Rijyad Saudi Arabia --- the Royal Palace " Your Majesty == VINCE McMAHON and his American Wrestler RANDY MACHO MAN SAVAGE are here and request an Audience ' K.Abdulah : " Wonderful -- are they going to Inject Steroids --- Pound each other Senseless --- and Emit Primordial Screaches as their Hairlines Recede and their Penises Shrink ? " " Not exactly Sire -- They have been sent by incoming President OBAMA on Diplomatic Mission" " Is SAADAM still Dead ? " " As a Doornail Sire " " Then you may send them in " " Gentlemen - it's a pleasure to meet you - wont you come in " Vince McMahon ; " Listen you Pencil Necked Geek -- my S.U.V. 's out of Gas " MM Svge : " Here King have a SLIM JIM ahhh now them"s eats eh hee hee he " K.A. " Gentlemen -- what can I do for you " McMhn: " Now King -- We're all Gay and we need Oil -- so do some Drilling O.K. ? " KngAbdla : " Mr. McMahon -- is SAADAM still Dead ? " " As a Doornail King " " Then have you considered the VILLAGE PEOPLE or perhaps FIRE ISLAND ? "