Al Lee Wyer: News

A brawl broke out Monday at the WAR LORDS BALL AND CORTILLION in Afghanistan

It seems the Drunken skirmish began following a questionable call by Referee JINZABALK during the Ceremonial BUZKASHI match

Midfielder KLOCKNA had apparantly given KABUL a one Goat Carcass to Nil lead against hated rival HERAT

Klockna was mobbed by jubillant team mates after dragging the carcass ( Tail First) into the scoring area at the 12:08 mark of the first half

It was at this point that the referee called KLOCKNA " Off Sides " nullifying the score

War Lord Milkinsof ( obviously aggitated ) Blindsided his Rival Chieftan PILKNER with a piece of Shrimp Cocktail and a Pig in a Bun at the post game bash.

Order was restored by former Vice President CHANEY who was on hand to throw out the first Goat.

The game was delayed 15 minits into play by a Taliban Attack but it had no effect on the outcome.
(ap)

The INDIAN National Squash team Pounded the Visiting GEORGETOWN HARBOR COUNTRY CLUB Squashers 9-4 in the opener of their diplomatic Series yesterday.

Indian Coach SAHIB TANDORA took a great deal of satisfaction following the opening Victory

Tandora : " I am telling you Sir -- That person is Nooo Gentleman Sir "
"He is big Bullsheeet Sir "

Tandora was refering to Head Coach DONALD RUMSFELD " He called me a Glorified Cab Driver and demanded to play the pick 4 Lotto "

TANDORA tossed a copy of the New York Times at RUMSFELD as he left the Arena

RUMSFELD has made a habit of allienating his hosts since the begining of this DIPLOMATIC TOUR

President HU of CHINA was mistaken for a Bus Boy by Captain BRADLEY ROTHSCHILD IV last month
Rumsfelds " HU'S on First " Greeting at the Airport in Beijing also proved a major Faux Pas

The series continues later in the week

Eagle Eyed Security Guard MOHAMMED JONES is extatic at the news.

The JONES ACADEMY OF THE VIGILANT has received a bid to be among the 64 team field in 2009 NCAA Basketball Tournament which begins next Thursday.

The Academy ( Named in honor of the Eagle Eyed Sleuth ) will open the Tournament against Villanova.

JONES was discovered in the act of Dis Assembling an Explosive Device on the Jersey Peers 2 years ago and was heralded as a hero

He addressed the student Body at a Pep Rally Last Nght

Jns : " Know this -- The entrails of the infidel shall trail him as he feeds at inflated Breast of the Wonton Whore!!! "

" His Blasphemous venim shall smite him and follow his bowels to the gates of Doom !!!"

" This we Swear !! BY THE BEARD OF THE PROPHET !!"

The JONES ACADEMY OF THE VIGILANT Marching Band then Took the Field and played a compilation of CLAY AIKINS Greatest Hits starting with

" A CLAY AIKINS CHRISTMAS IN JANUARY and " WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN" BY THE Carpenters

Villanova has been installed as a 9 point Favorite (S.I.)

MAZIR E SARIF held it's first LADIES day BUZKASHI match yesterday afternoon.

FINAL SCORE
MAZAR----------- 2 Carcasses
QUANDAHAR--- 1 Cacass + 1/2 of a hindquarter--- minus tail

MAZAR is hot having won it's last 4 matches by at least 1 goat carcass.

All Ladies attending the Match Received a bottle of INTOXICATED WAR LORD repellent

The WAR LORDS BALL AND CORTILLION followed the Match.

Just a precaution to ensure their virtue remains intact

KABUL superstar KLOKNA threw out the first Goat Carcass.

President OBAMA's head of Indian Affairs the Reverend JERAMIAH WRIGHT has announced his own Stimulus Plan.

Wrht : Now listen Here --
" The White Man is hurting and as we all know that Trickles Down to your Sorry Asses '

Chief LIMPING FEATHER : " Now Guys listen up -- if we skip lunch we can finish the Damn by Four O'clock '

The Reverend has arranged for JOE THE BUMMER to give us an inspirational talk.
( Working like a White Guy or how I quit my job and ran for congress )

" It's available on D.V.D. for 3 easy payments of 19.99 "

RevWrt " That's right -- all proceeds go to JESUS "

The White House. Washington D.C.

RRRinnnng : " Hello ---- just a moment please"

" Mr. President it's W on the Phone , he says he's got an Idea for your Stimulus Package "

PrsObama : " Did you tell him I'm looking for my shoelace ? "

" Oh Hell put him through"

PrsObma : " Good Morning Mr. President -- how are things in Texas '

PrsBush : " You know ARAK -- I'm a cattle man you see and uhh "

" I just thought that since I left you an OWNERSHIP SOCIETY "

" That uhh You shouldn't Cut and Run Just because the CHINESE own it -- and uhh "

" Maybe you could get RUMMY on Board "

" Hello ------ Hel uhhh -- Hello"

MOONBEAM READ -- daughter of Nevada Senator HARRY READ (D) has filed charges against former Vice President CHANEY in Washington.

Mnbeem Read : " Me and my old man dug a well man "
" We had FRESH WATER man! "

She was referring to the Commune the Democrats had constructed on the great mall after their 2006 mid term victory.

The Former V.P. handed out a no bid deal to Faith Based Contractors BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST who promptly Demolished the place

Senator JOHN KERRY ( who was crashing in his hut at the time ) has reportedly made a call to CARLOS RAMIREZ GONZALEZ MENDEZ --- C.E.O. of Mexican Firm " WET BACK FIX A FLAT " --- and offered him a no bid contract to clean up the mess.

C.N.N.'s LOU DOBBS has called for KERRY'S Censure

LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD ILLEGALS BE ALLOWED INTO THE U.S. TO HELP SENATOR KERRY FIND HIS STASH
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/HeyPonchoDontLightThatM--BOOOM

Former President BUSH made a surprise appearance last night in Crawford Texas

exPrs ; You see uhh -- I'm getting my car washed and uhh "

CARLOS RAMIREZ GONZALEZ MENDEZ Chief Executive Officer of Mexican Firm ' WET BACK FIX A FLAT was polite and acomedating

" Yo Gringo, you want wheel polish man "
" Sung tine it come it come out good Man "

ex Prs ( Talking to make believe press presence )
" You see I'm proud to have left behind an OWNERSHIP SOCIETY where guys like Carlos can live the MEXICAN version of the AMERICAN Dream and uhhh - you see."

Pablo the Mechanic : " Yo Carlos it's the Bank Meng -- that dudes got a padlock meng "

PrsBsh : ' And in Closing -- uhhh what are you doing my cars in there !"

" I'll call ARRAK if you lock that garage"

" DICK --- RUMMY ! "

When Vice President CHANEY sold the naming rights of the White House to CHINESE AMERICAN Entrepanuer Mr. CHIN LU last Year --- it caused quite an uproar in the Capitol.

" MR LU'S TAKEOUT COMPLEX AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE " opened for business in late 2005 in the White House Basement

Former Prs Bsh : " You see the damned phones never stoped ringing --- I mean we don't have Won Tons in TEXAS"

Meanwhile at the White House
rrrrrnnnnnng rinng -- "

"Hello"

" You have the wrong number -- no we don't deliver -- Soy Sause ? No we don't " " Hot Sauce ? -- No we don't "
Hangs up

"Where's Jefferson --- Get me JOE and HILLARY will ya "

" Is she back yet from the Middle East yet ? "

Press Scty Jefferson : " I really can't say --- but she could be. I Just don't know Mr. President but it's Possable "

LOU DOBBS is in the process of errecting an 8 foot wall arround a TACHO BELL in Park Slope Brooklyn

25 illegal Immigrant's ( hired by DOBBS this morning ) are working arround the clock to complete it before their discovered and deported

Dbbs: -- " We are determined to keep illegals from purchasing American Goods that rightfully belong to Americans "

When it was pointed out that virtually all of the customers that frequent the Franchise are indeed American Citizens-- DOBBS replied

" Well They Had Better Be Able To Prove It Or Their Eating Chinese Tonight "
LOU DOBBS TONIGHT POLL

SHOULD WE CONSIDER BUILDING WALLS AROUND CHINESE RESTAURANTS AS WELL.
cast your vote at
www.loudobbs.com/damnthesemexicansworkfast

President BARRAK OBAMA looking to emphasize his commitment to FAITH BASED INITIATIVES has sent his former pastor the Rev. Wright to Saudi Arabia on a Diplomatic good will mission

ROYAL PALACE -- RIYJAD
" SIRE -- The Reverend Wright is here from America and seeks an audience with Your Grace "

" Is SADDAM STILL DEAD ? "

" As a doornail Sire "

" Very well then send him in "
" Reverend Wright it's wonderful to see you wont you Please come in "

RevWrt: " Listen CRACKER -- WHITEY has been exploiting the Black Man for Centuries so --- DRILL SOME OIL for BARRAK ! "

K.Abdullah " Reverend Wright as you can plainly see -- we are not Caucasian we are Sunni "

" Salted Cracker -- Unsalted Cracker -- A Cracker's still a Cracker so start Drillin for BARRAK "

KngAbdlah : " Rev Wright -- is SAADAM still Dead ? "

" As a doornail King "

" Then have you considered a crap game or perhaps the daily pick 4 to raise funds ? "

This story is approved by JOHN ONEILL and the SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR TRUTH

The INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES has announced that it will be giving away FREE PANCAKES on February 24 the from 7 A.M. until 10 P.M.

The Promotion is a reaction to the Superbowl Commercial which triggered the FREE Breakfast give away by WENDYS February 3rd -- which drew 2 Million Customers.

I.H.O.P. also announced that Catskill Cover Guy LEAD GUT SPRINGSTEIN will be kicking off the party at 7 am at the IHOP on Rt 97 in upstate New York

Springstein will be joined in the festivities by the inventor of the Drum Machine MARCEL ANDAONE along with Eskimo Rapper YO BITCH -- COOK THE FISH and Country Music Legend FULLHOUSE FOLDEM

ANAONE was only recently released from BELLEVUE where he had been treated for a rare mental disorder

He apparently suffered from the Delusion that he was really CLAY AIKINS and continuously sang songs from his Album " A CLAY AIKINS CHRISTMAS IN JANUARY "

SPRNGSTEIN : " Hey GILLY -- the Fat F#s O.K. --lets do a tribute"
" Brown Eyed Girl on three"
' ANDAONE and ATWO "
(ap)

NORTH KOREAN ( Beloved Leader ) KIM JONG IL and IRANIAN Bellevue Candidate MACHMUD AHMAJINEDAD held a Mental Health Conference in PYONG YANG last week.

JONG IL and AHMAJINEDAD have reportedly formed a new COALITION

To mark the occasion they played a Nationaly Televised Game of PASSWORD ------the Official Game of NORTH KOREA.

JONG IL gave the Clues while AHMAJINIDAD tried to guess the Pass Word.
The PASS WORD turned out to be

" INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MISSAL "

The correct reply was given by Ahmajinedad following the fifth clue from IL--- which was

" IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF THE GREAT SATAN "

The Nationaly broadcasted game was seen in a record 243 North Korean Households. (ap)

Catskill Cover Guy LEADGUT SPRINGSTEIN was turned away at the Presidential Inauguration Cerimonies in D.C.

It seems President BUSH -- unaware that the 22nd Amendment limited him to 2 terms -- had invited LEAD GUT to perform at his Third Inauguaration.

Sprgstn : " Hey Gilly they kicked me out -- I gave up 2 Ihop Gigs for this '

President Elect OBAMA would not consider interrupting GARTH BROOKS

Sprnstn : Listen Gilly --- to hell with that F%$#%#$G Cowboy Bumpkin"
" Let's do a tribute -- Brown Eyed Girl on three "

Springstein and MARCEL ANDAONE ( Inventor of the Drum Machine ) are Scheduled to Play T.G.I.F.s in Sheepshead Bay next week

" Andaone and a two " (ap)

JOHN O'NEILL and his " Swift Boat Veterans for Truth " have announced plans to attend the OBAMA innauguration.

Oneil : " You see we know that BARRAK OBAMA is not really Black. He painted his face and hired a Black Woman to pretend to be his wife "
" It was all put together by JOHN KERRY back in Vietnam in 1968 right after he shot himself in the foot to get elected in 2004 "

Meanwhile back in Red State NOJEWSHERE Alabama.
" Unis -- didn't that JOLSON fella paint his face too ? "

Governor SARAH PALIN is the subject of a law suit filed by Eskimo Rapper " YO BITCH - COOK THE FISH " in Alaska New Years Day.

The Enigmatic Eskimo was said to be Fishing with his regular hunting buddy V.P. DICK CHANEY when a tree limb fell on their make shift Igloo.

PALIN was Celebrating the New Year by Shooting at Russia and accidently hit the fortuitously placed tree

Palin : " OOOKIE DOOOKIE that ought to wake em up in VLADIVOSTAK I"LL betcha -- Moose for everybody - what channels the Hockey Game on "
"
Alaska Senator TED STEVENS ( a Convicted felon )came to PALINS defense

Stevens : " I don't care what they say or how much evidence they have --- I didn't do it "
" And I don't give a damn if the Jury Convicted me"
I'm Not Convicted !! "
" Now wheres the F@^*&%$n Puck !! " (readers digest)

When President BUSH signed on to the 7 BILLION Dollar loans for G.M FORD and CHRYSLER he completed the last act in the saga of the NEO CON Era.

PrsBsh ; " Now we were NEO CONS you see but --- Uhhhh but now were NEO COMS you see "

" Our Ownership Society went broke and the uhh Free Market cut and run with it "

"Now De Regulation is Good you see uhhh unless they rob you blind "

" Questions --- Comrads ? "

BLITZKRIEG HORSEFLY C.N.N. " Mr. President do you intend to attend the May Day Parade President Elect OBAMA is planning in Washington this year" ?

PrsBsh; " Uhhhhh Nyet ? "

Catskill cover Guy LEAD GUT SPRINGSTEIN has been asked to play at the OBAMA inauguration next Week

SPRINGSTEIYN has just finished a 4 week stint at the INTERNATIIONAL HOUSE OF PANKAKES just past MARYLAND HOUSE on Rt 95

MARCEL ANDAONE inventor of the Drum Machine was said to be instrumental in arranging the performance
(ap)

President BUSH took a tour of a Nuclear Power Plant yesterday in order to prepare him for his post Presidential career in Nuclear Physics

Prof : " You see Mr. President this is a life Size Replica of a typical Atom"

President Bsh : " Now I'm glad to get to see a uhhh Atum "

" Does it has a Nukulus Professor ? "

Prf : Straight ahead Mr. President"
" That Red Ball on the RIGHT is a Proton and the Blue Ball on the LEFT is a Neutron "

" Prs : W.M.D.'s ! "

" And what's them things flying around up there ? "

Prf : " Those are Electrons Sir -- they orbit the Nucleus and balance it electrically "

Prs " AIR SUPPORT for the NUKULUS !! "

" Get me DICK on the phone"

" PRONTO !!! "

Back in the 1990's the TALIBAN decided that an 800 year old statue of BUDDAH carved into a mountain was " UN ISLAMIC " so ---

THEY BLEW IT UP !!

WHAT ELSE COULD THEY DO ?

Today with The big 3 Auto Company's on the verge of Bankruptcy the BUSH Administration announced it's own Bailout Plan

PrsBsh : " You see uhhh -- the Republicans in the Senate "
" They said No you see and uhh "

" We're gonna move G.M. from DETROIT to that BUDDAH HOLE over there you see -- and uhhh "

" Now --- we'll have 8 new assembly lines to help us win the War on Terror"

" Now our Reliable Intilligence Sources are reporting that the TALIBAN are throwing down their weapons and lining up for Job aplications and uhhh " --

At this point the President was once again ushered off to the REAGAN De - Briefing Room. (reut)

White House Press Secretary LINCOLN JEFFERSON held an impromptu Press Conference Following the Revelation of the Illinois Governors Scandle

Jffsn : " Good Morning members of the Press."

" Let me start off by saying The President Elect Doesn't Know anything about this Scandal "

JOE THE BUMMER (Fox News) : " Mr Jefferson Is the President Elect Going to Illinois ? "

Jffsn : " I really don't know "

Blitzkrieg Horsefly C.N.N. : " But Mr. Secratary isn't he concerned about possable appearances ? "

Jffsn : " I really cant say -- but he could be "
" I'm really not certain "

" But doesn't he care about who assumes his Illinois Senate Seat ? "

Jffsn : " Might Be -- I"m really not sure"

Enter a delivery person
" Mr. Jefferson did you want sugar in your coffee ? "

" Hmmm -- That's possable - I'll get back to you on that "

"That's all Gentlemen -- I might go drink my coffee now "

A Statue of JESUS in BELOXI MISSISSIPPI reportedly started streaming Obscenity's down on Passers By following the Democratic victory in the House and Senate Elections last month

Mailman : " Yep --- I never did hear such language -- I even heard a GOBBLE ! "

The Statue was apparently refering to the Start of TURKEY SEASON which ---- Coincidentaly ---- coincided with the Democratic Victory

The Lamb of God had reportadly been turned away at the voting booth ---

" You see they re-districted the Savior ---Hallaluah Amen ---didn't like it though "(AP)

D.J. " SEXY HUMPEY " was arrested this morning on charges of

" IMPERSONATING A PERFORMER "

It seems the Power went out in the middle of one of his high paying GIGS leaving a restless audience confused and bewildered.

" Where the Music At !!"
" Let's Kill him !!"

Fortunately an 87 year old SPOON PLAYER stepped in to save the Booty Shakin Impresario's ---well ----BOOTY!

HUMPY was released on bail and addressed the local press with a Sincere
" I love you --- I love you all. "

(reut)

President BUSH sent a memo to upi explaining the drop in oil prices.

It seems none of the MAIN STREAM MEDIA is interested in what the Lame Duck President has to say

The President writes ; " Now Mr. HU ( China's President) spoke to me while he was feeding his oxen"

" Now we know CHINA and IDIA were sending oil prices through the roof -- not Our De Regulation and the Speculators you see '

" I can now confirm that CHINA and INDIA have now given up on Industrialization and gone back to raising ALPAKA'S "

" They don't need the oil you see so uhhh --- uhh the price comes down"

" Isn't that right Dick ? "

" uhhh Dick !!"

VP DICK CHANEY is off on another hunting trip to the Yukon.

He and his regular hunting buddy Eskimo Rapper " YO BITCH !! COOK THE FISH ! " will be joined By VP candidate Sarah Palin for a post election moose hunt

Chny : " She's one hell of a cook he hee he Pass me another one Padner"

"Look it's OLIVER STONE -- zzzpppp - Damn -- missed im"

Palin: " zzpppp "
"OI "
"Don't worry Dicky -- I got em!! "

" OKie Dokie now Point me at a Moose and I'll get us some Dinner I'll betcha"


YBCTF : " Yo D.C. -- You Whack man"

" That Bitch got a Gun and shit "
" Get me the F@$%# out the way man "

VPChny : " When we're out of the White House I'm gonna have HACKSAW hire her"
" Pass me another one Padner he heee "

" Look -- its Shumer --zzzpppp -- Damn! "

The Right Reverend Hacksaw is Chief Engineer of the V.P.'s Faith Based No Bid Contractors BULLDOZING FOR CHRIST

" Yo D.C. -- it's Vanilla Ice zzzzzzp -- Damn "

ap